Dear White People, calm the fuck down

One of the most profound things I’ve ever read on twitter goes a little something like this: Twitter will have you loving people you never met, and Facebook makes you loathe people that you’ve known your entire life. Truer words have yet to be spoken.  Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with loved ones and friends, marvel at the colossal overshares by those same folks, and taking great joy in finding out that the lives of people who ever did you wrong are in complete fucking shambles. But the best function of Facebook, in this writer’s humble opinion, is outing people that you’ve known your entire life as racists by simply posting a few favorable things about the President.

Case in point: On the night of the election I was exuberant, so I promptly went to Facebook to express said exuberance like any other red blooded American who sincerely thought that Mitt Romney was a lying piece of shit. Well, immediately I got a barrage of nasty replies from a couple of dudes that I’ve known my entire life. These Gentlemen, if you asked me about them before the election while Sodium Pentothal flowed through my veins, “bigot” is a word that would have never escaped my hairy mandible. I won’t go into any reply verbatim, but here are a few buzzwords of note: “Communist”, “Muslim”, “Destroy America”, “Obamaphones”, “America Killed itself”, and “Free stuff”.

I’ve thought about that particular social media unmasking every time I see some white person completely losing their shit because America re-elected the black guy to a second term. Like the Key West man who committed suicide, all the shitloads of people who want to secede, the lady who ran over her husband for not voting, the employer who shitcanned 22 of his employees, the CEO of the shittiest pizza in the world cutting back his workers’ hours, the disturbances at Ole Miss, the stockpiling of guns, the 4th Grade teacher who dressed up in all black and told her students that she was attending America’s funeral because of the President’s re-election.. I’m sure there are a lot more, but you get the picture.

White people, please calm the fuck down. Seriously. Any rational observer who doesn’t have a penchant for eating paste and licking glass will tell you that the President is the furthest thing from a radical. He’s trying to help you toothless rubes for Christs sake. I know, I know. At the end of the day I know none of that matters. We have a black President and the mere fact that he has melanin means that life as you know it is over. While I can’t reason with you, at least let me ask you to channel your bat-shittedness more productively. I mean, if you are going to be mad at anyone it should be at the conservative media who routinely lied to you about Mitt Romney’s chances. If they were more honest with you bottom feeders, at least a little bit, maybe you wouldn’t be acting nuttier than squirrel shit. But then again you are bigots, there is no rhyme or reason to your knuckle-dragging antics. Now excuse me while I go on facebook to see who else I can erase from my life.

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